As I was scrolling through my instagram feed the other day, I came across a topic I see a lot. It was all about what to do when your partner doesn’t want to have sex when you are in your fertile window. It’s a really common problem, getting the time right when trying to conceive but this time the topic stopped me in my tracks.
Why the hell are women solely responsible for timing the sex right for conception?
On the surface it makes sense, we need to track our cycles to find out when we are ovulating, right?
But there is so much wrong with this on a deeper level.
We are partners.
When you are making a baby, this is something you do together (regardless of how you are making your baby, you are going into parenthood as a team)
Many of the women talked about not telling their partner they were ovulating to avoid performance pressure and the intentions are honourable but don’t you both want to be aware that you are making a baby together?
By making the man passive in the discussion, we are excluding them from their right to choose.
Luckily the fertile window is 6 days (5 days before ovulation and day of ovulation), giving you and your partner some time to create the right environment for your baby making.
If you’ve been trying for many months or even many years, every month is a cycle of hope and heartbreak. It’s frustrating to know that there are only set days on which it could really happen and once you’ve missed them, it’s another month down the toilet.
So how can we deal with this?
As women, we often need to feel in control. When our bodies feel completely out of control, we grab onto the few things we can. This is one of the those things that is generally within our control. It brings almost of feeling of safety to be able to track the dates and time the sex.
But when your partner throws a spanner in the works and you lose that control again, it’s so tempting to try and take it back. The thing we need to recognise is that performance pressure is more than just an inconvenience. It might be a sign that they are struggling emotionally with this process too and that’s something you don’t want to ignore, however difficult it is.
I think it’s tempting for men to take a step back. After all their bodies don’t run on a cycle. Theoretically they are good to go, anytime day or night but getting pregnant should be a joint effort, every step of the way.
Women – we need to stop trying to protect our partners and allow them to be fully present in the act of baby making.
Men – we need you to stand up and take your equal place at the table for the conversation about when we can make a baby.
After all we are in this together.
On the surface it makes sense, we need to track our cycles to find out when we are ovulating, right?
But there is so much wrong with this on a deeper level.
We are partners.
When you are making a baby, this is something you do together (regardless of how you are making your baby, you are going into parenthood as a team)
Many of the women talked about not telling their partner they were ovulating to avoid performance pressure and the intentions are honourable but don’t you both want to be aware that you are making a baby together?
By making the man passive in the discussion, we are excluding them from their right to choose.
Luckily the fertile window is 6 days (5 days before ovulation and day of ovulation), giving you and your partner some time to create the right environment for your baby making.
If you’ve been trying for many months or even many years, every month is a cycle of hope and heartbreak. It’s frustrating to know that there are only set days on which it could really happen and once you’ve missed them, it’s another month down the toilet.
So how can we deal with this?
As women, we often need to feel in control. When our bodies feel completely out of control, we grab onto the few things we can. This is one of the those things that is generally within our control. It brings almost of feeling of safety to be able to track the dates and time the sex.
But when your partner throws a spanner in the works and you lose that control again, it’s so tempting to try and take it back. The thing we need to recognise is that performance pressure is more than just an inconvenience. It might be a sign that they are struggling emotionally with this process too and that’s something you don’t want to ignore, however difficult it is.
I think it’s tempting for men to take a step back. After all their bodies don’t run on a cycle. Theoretically they are good to go, anytime day or night but getting pregnant should be a joint effort, every step of the way.
Women – we need to stop trying to protect our partners and allow them to be fully present in the act of baby making.
Men – we need you to stand up and take your equal place at the table for the conversation about when we can make a baby.
After all we are in this together.
When you have been on your fertility journey for a while it can feel like you lose a part of your identity and your values become second place to your desire to become a mother.Your values and ideals are a part of who you are and you don’t have to compromise them in your quest to get pregnant. Download your free copy of The Feminist Guide to Fertility.
